I'm WHAT?
by starlight.moon.princess
Summary: People are acting extremely weird around Sirius - girls are turning him down on dates, people are giggling when he passes them. Join him as he tries to figure out what is happening around him. Pre-slash, rated for strong language.


'Hey McKinnon!' Sirius called across the Common Room.

'What?'

'Go to Hogsmeade with me?'

A jet of cold water flew through the air and hit Sirius in the face before he could finish his question.

'You two-timing –' Marlene broke off, apparently unable to continue. She got up and stormed off towards her dorm.

Bewildered, Sirius turned to Peter.

'What the fuck was that all about?'

Peter gave Sirius a look that was a mixture of disgust and pity.

'If you don't know that much, I can't help you,' he said, before getting up and walking off too.

* * *

That was the first time Sirius noticed something was wrong.

* * *

Over the next few weeks, Sirius was met with many equally bewildering incidents.

'Mr. Black?'

Sirius looked down towards the general vicinity of the voice.

'What is it?' he asked the tiny first year girl in front of him.

'Ummmm…the girls in my dormitory said –'

'What is it?' he asked encouragingly when she hesitated to complete her sentence.

'Well, I asked them for help in picking out a dress to wear to the Halloween Ball, and they said that you would be the best person to come to for advice. Pleasedon'tkillme,' she blurted out in one breath.

Sirius looked from his friends to the completely serious first year. James and Remus were already rolling on the floor laughing, and Peter was well on his way to joining them.

He would not scream at an innocent girl. He would not. She was too – James was choking from laughter behind him. He gritted his teeth and walked off before he said something he would regret.

But he would make sure his so called friends paid for being utterly unhelpful.

* * *

There was definitely something wrong. Ever since discovering both girls, and his own attractiveness back in third year, Sirius had never been short on dates. He had _never_ been turned down. In the last week, however – ever since the incident with Marlene – each and every girl he had asked out had rejected him. And things flying at him and accusations of him being a two-timing bastard had accompanied most of these rejections!

Sirius stared at the piece of toast in his hands with an irritated and petulant look. What was wrong with him? Was he – was he _losing his looks?_ Was he becoming ug – ug – he couldn't even think that word.

'Remus!'

A sigh. 'What is it _now_, Sirius?'

'You have to promise to tell me the truth! No matter how horrifying that truth may be!'

'What are you blowing out of proportion _now_, you drama queen?'

'Am I ug – ug – _unattractive_ now?'

Remus just gave him a look before he burst out into uncontrollable laughter.

'You – you –' he couldn't continue, laughter bubbling out of him again.

Sirius pouted and sulked, but it did him no good. Remus was still laughing too hard to answer him – and he _had_ to be laughing at his looks. He was right – he had suddenly become _ugly_.

* * *

It had been nearly three weeks since Marlene had turned him down and his social life had taken a nosedive. In that period, Sirius had grown increasingly annoyed.

He had quickly given up on asking girls out, knowing that no one would want to date someone as increasingly hideous to look at as him. He had hoped that that would be the end of all the odd reactions of the people around him, but he had soon been relieved of that belief. Miscellaneous objects weren't hitting him anymore, but he now had to face people giggling – giggling! – whenever they saw him.

He was Sirius Black! Even if he was no longer gorgeous, he still had a reputation as a Marauder and a Black. People weren't supposed to laugh at him! Laugh at the pranks he pulled, sure, but not at him!

Sirius Black was not a happy camper.

He was pretty sure that he had handled himself with as much dignity as was possible, these last few weeks. He had kept his cool, and hadn't screamed at any of the giggling ninnies, no matter how much he wanted to.

But this – this was where he drew the line.

He had been minding his own business (for once) and taking a walk in the middle of the night, when – when – that Ravenclaw fifth year prefect, Jason Dornel, had cornered him. He had been ready for the loss of a few points, maybe a detention or two, when –

Dornel had put his hands over him! He hadn't given him _any_ indication of interest, whatsoever. And his last suggestion still had him shivering.

'Why don't you let me _punish_ you?' Dornel had purred. Purred! There was absolutely no way that hadn't been a come on.

Sirius had had enough. There was something very wrong, and he was going to find out what it was.

But who to ask? James, Remus and Peter would just laugh at him, and he doubted the rest of the House would be any better. Which only left him with –

* * *

'..and everyone is fucking giggling at me, and Jason Dornel definitely came on to me last night, and I just don't know what the _fuck_ is going on!' Sirius was completely out of breath by the time he finished regaling Evans with his tale of woe.

Evans pursed her lips. 'Dornel is a moron. He should have known better than to think he stood a chance,' was the only reply he got.

'But what the fuck is going on?! Why did he hit on me in the first place?'

'Because you're hot,' Evans said bluntly. 'And since you started dating Remus, all the gay guys in this place seem to have taken it as a sign that you're free to hit on.'

'Ever since I – wait, WHAT? That explained all the odd behaviour, but where in the name of Merlin's saggy buttocks had they gotten the idea that he was DATING Remus?

Lily gave him an understanding smile. 'It's okay. Potter told everyone the truth about you two. And he threatened anyone who says anything derogatory.'

James. James, that little fucker, of _course_ he was the cause of this. Oh, as soon as Sirius found him, he was as good as dead. He had told James about his (extremely small) crush on Remus in _confidence_, because he had _trusted_ him. He had not told him everything because he had wanted the whole world to know.

He would clear this out with Evans first, then find and kill Prongs.

'We're _not_ dating Evans. I have absolutely no clue what Prongs was on about, but we're _definitely_ not dating.'

'Are you sure?' Evans asked, giving him a doubtful look.

'Of course I am! I think I'd know the details of my own love life, wouldn't you?' Try as he might, he wasn't successful in keeping the faintest traces of bitterness from his voice.

'I doubt it,' Evans muttered. 'But still, you _want_ to date him, don't you?' she asked knowingly.

'No! No, I don't!" Even he knew that was a pathetic attempt at covering up the truth.

'Please don't insult my intelligence Black. That was a rather pitiable lie.'

'But –' Panic was slowly setting in. Remus _couldn't_ know!

'Don't worry, I won't tell him. Just answer one question for me – what about all the girls you've dated? Were they just beards?'

'I'm still straight Evans, no need to your panties in a twist. It's just Remus who I care about – I can still appreciate the female form. Add to that the fact that Remus is straight, which means I have to make do with the girls – not too terrible a hardship.'

Evans got up and started to walk away, satisfied with his answer. She stopped suddenly, and turned back to look at him.

'Chew on this one Black. I know for a fact that Remus knows what's going on – I was the one who told him as soon as Potter made his little announcement. Why exactly has he not put an end to this yet? All he needed to do was come clean, just like you just did. People would believe him – it's not too big a stretch to think Potter was lying, considering the amount of pranks he plays. Why not one on his best friends too? And yet he let this go on for so long. What does that say, do you think?'

Sirius stood still for a few moments as he processed Lily's parting words.

Wait. WHAT?

* * *

_For:_

_The Emotions Competition_

_The Harry Potter Spells Competition, Category Confundo_

_The Diagon Alley Challenge, Category Flourish and Blotts_

_The If you dare challenge, Prompt 136, Gossip_

_Character Diversity Bootcamp, Prompt 13. Befuddle_

_The Party Challenge, Category Who Am I?_


End file.
